The Short Patrol
by Leaviel
Summary: I've finally written it… one of my most random fics yet… Prepare to laugh, cry, and give the computer a lot of very odd looks… because this is going to be a great epic! One that will be known far and wide as… THE SHORT PATROL!
1. The Wall of Redness

I'm finally writing it… one of my most random fics yet… Prepare to laugh, cry, and give the computer a lot of very odd looks… because this is going to be a great epic! One that will be known far and wide as… THE SHORT PATROL! The Short Patrol, Chapter 1: The Wall of Redness 

Plugg Firetail was trudging through the forest. It had been a hard week. First, his tail was brutally separated from his behind by a stick(a pointy stick, that burned with the fires of a thousand evils!). Second, his incompetent crew couldn't manage to get it to stay back on. And third, he had just been eaten. And by snakes, too! Snakes! Oh, the humiliation!

Now, I'm sure that all of you are thinking the same thing: Wait a minute, if he was eaten… then wouldn't that mean that he was _dead_? And my answer to that: No. He was transported to another world in which all my favorite Redwallian creatures go; to the woods of Flowermoss. Why, you ask? Well, just BECAUSE. It is best not to ask these questions.

So it was there, in the woods of Flowermoss, that our faithful (okay, so maybe not that faithful) Plugg, tail clasped in his paw, bumped into Gonff, the Prince of Mousetheives (in another world he was known to all as Meriadoc Brandybuck, esquire of Rohan… but that's a different storyand he was a different species) and myself. Err… that is, Gonff and Sage, a young fieldmouse in a pretty green tunic with a long tail. A chain with a jeweled metal leaf hung from her neck. Gonff had been casually trotting along, eating an apple, with a few permanently-borrowed-without-having-before-asked carrots sticking out of the pockets of his yellow vest, chatting away with Sage. When he crashed into Plugg, the carrots went flying everywhere.

"Hey, watch where you're going, ye slimy vermin!"

"Well, you watch where YOU'RE goin', ye… strangly-hobbitish-looking mouse! Besides, I'm only slimy because I've just been eaten!"

Sage looked more closely at the newcomer. "Plugg? Gonff, it's Frodo Baggins- err, Plugg Firetail!"

"Well, why didn't ye say so!" Gonff extended a paw. "It's nice to meet you, Plugg! The name's Gonff! And my lovely companion calls herself Sage. Welcome to Flowermoss woods! We've been expecting you."

Plugg took the extended paw. "What are ye expectin' me fer, and how do ye know my name?"

Sage and Gonff exchanged glances. "Well," Sage explained, gathering the fallen carrots. "The author of this story liked you when she read 'Triss', so we figured you'd end up here."

"The author of… what! This… _story_… but- but-"

"Ye still don't get it, do ye?" the mousetheif said, as he picked up the fallen apple, polished it on his vest, and took another bite out of it. "When the Great Hobbit Goddess, Leaviel reads a 'Redwall' book, naturally she has her favorite characters. So when they die off, or if she doesn't want to wait that long, they get transported to Flowermoss woods. Apparently she took a likin' to ye, so now yer here." Plugg looked at him oddly.

"Sometimes we get a few random animals that she makes up. Like me, for instance. And she based me off of herself! Well, and a few elements of Columbine." Sage looked at Gonff and blushed. "Except, of course," she said, continuing, "that I'm a mouse and she's just a hobbit-wanna-be."

All of a sudden, the woods burst into flames.

"I-I mean, I'm a mouse and she's a HOBBIT… a _real_ hobbit!" Sage corrected.

The next moment everything was just as it had been.

"Anyway…" Gonff said. "We'd better take you off to Flufftail, so you can join the Short Patrol."

"The what Patrol?"

Gonff sighed. "The Short Patrol. 'Tis a union of all the perilous creatures that the author's taken' a likin' to. Originally, it was just a bunch o' moles, but the Great Hobbit Goddess, Leaviel got kinda bored o' that, so she added all of us. Come on. We'll take ye there."

Gonff, Sage, and Plugg traveled onwards, until they reached the camp of Flufftail the Destroyer and the Short Patrol. Gonff walked right up to the smallest tent and poked his head inside. "Hey Fluffy, Plugg Firetail's here." Gonff listened for a bit and turned around. "You c'n enter now."

Plugg stepped cautiously inside. "What the-?" There, inside the tent, was the fabled Flufftail the Destroyer! "But yer only a baby rabbit!"

Flufftail glared at him. "I'm a leveret, I have 'e know!" he said with a rather squeaky voice.

"A what?"

"A leveret. A'so known'd as a dibbun hare. Wot, wot?"

"Actually, you're still technically a dibbun. Leverets are a just little bit older." Gonff put in.

Plugg backed up. "I've heard of those creatures they call dibbuns… terrifyin', horrible beasts, who could exterminate tribes o' vermin and scoff a whole blackberry and candied chestnut pie at the same time! And I've had captive one o' those hares once. All 'bolly old chaping' and what not." Plugg shuddered.

"Be quiet, or I choppa ya tail off!"

"Et's too late fer that. 'Tis already been chopped off, see." He presented his tail to the small hare.

"That norra look like y'tail. You be's si'ver an' this be's red."

Plugg smiled. "That's why they called me Plugg Firetail, see? Me tail's red, while the rest o' me's silver."

"Well, you can't go haffing no tail! Sage!"

She poked her head inside. "Yes, Flufftail?"

"Gorra get Pik'im an' Crack'n! Tell 'em t'bring da sticky healy stuff, wot!"

"Right away!" Soon after, Piknim and Cracklyn arrived, holding two bottles.

"Ye wanted us?" Piknim asked.

"P'ugg's tail be choppa'd off. You fixin' it ferrim!"

They brought forth the bottles. One was filled with a red substance and the other was filled with white with a label that read: Lon Lon Milk. "Ye might wanna hold still for a tick," Piknim told him, "This shouldn't hurt, but I'm not promising anything." While Cracklyn held Plugg's tail to his backside, Piknim poured some of the liquid from the red jar on it. A few sparkles glittered around the tail, and when it stopped, it was reattached.

"YEEEEEOOOOOOOOWCH!" he screamed in pain. "…Hey, wait a minute… that didn't hurt." Plugg looked confused. "It's supposed to hurt… isn't it?"

Cracklyn sighed. "No, no, no! It doesn't hurt. Red potion only stings if the old crone who made it put rust in it."

"Rust? Why would anyone put rust in a healing potion? It doesn't heal, does it?"

"No, it doesn't heal. 'Tis fer colouring." Piknim said. "Hear, drink this." She handed him the bottle of Lon Lon Milk.

"Lon Lon Milk?" he said, inspecting the bottle. "What's that?"

"It'll help with the healing."

"An' what do I do wid it, pour it on me tail?"

"No… you _drink_ it."

Plugg sniffed disdainfully at the milk. "What's that other stuff… the red glop?"

"'Tis called red potion," Cracklyn told him.

"Very creative, I know," Piknim put in, "But hey, it works, so who's to complain!"

"Uh, huh. Do I really have ta drink this?"

"You do if you want your tail to stay on."

"Fine, fine." Plugg glanced at the liquid. "Are ye sure?"

Piknim rolled her eyes. "It tastes like grog, okay?"

"Well, why didn't ye say so!" He took a mighty swig, milk dripping down his cheeks… and spat it out. "Ugh!" Plugg wiped his paws on his tongue, trying to get rid of the awful flavor. "That was _horrible_!"

Cracklyn shifted her footpaws. "Ehh… I s'pose it was a little old…" He looked at her contemptuously.

"Do ye want your tail fixed, or not?"

Plugg gulped. Finally, he managed to choke down some of the putrid milk. "Water, I need water!"

Flufftail handed him his water flask. "Drink out o' this, but make sure you notta spit in it."

Plugg eagerly accepted the flask and gulped the water down hurriedly. "Pew! That's much better!"

"I guess we'll be off then." Piknim said. She and Cracklyn turned to go.

"Wait!" Gonff said, bursting into the tent with Sage. "This note was delivered to us earlier. It's from Anony Mouse."

"Anonymous…Who d'ye suppose that is?" Plugg asked.

Flufftail looked at him. "Anony Mouse. She's al'ays sendin' me letters."

"Anony's the one we get our supplies from." Piknim explained. "She wanders the woodlands, picking up new arrivals, collecting interesting vegetation, and brewing potions. She sends us letters now and again to keep us updated with what's happening in the forest."

"You c'n read the letter aloud, Gonff!" Flufftail said.

"'You must protect yourselves'", he read. "'Something has happened, something bad. I was out on my usual morning stroll when I spotted a bunch of vermin passing through the woods. None of them had appeared on the new arrivals list, so I figured something musta gone wrong. I checked my stores, brought out the crushed vanilla/fig potion, and sure enough… Leaviel, the Great Hobbit Goddess… she'd just had a lot of sour starbursts and pixy stix! You know how she can get when she eats those things. Well, the phase has passed, but a bunch of characters she doesn't like managed to sneak their way in here. A battle is coming. And by the size of that army, I'd say it's gonna be a big one! Ye'd best prepare yeselves as best as you can. Good luck. Anony Mouse.' Wait… there's a P.S. 'Oh yeah, a big pile of white sandstone just appeared out of nowhere in that spot that's perfect for building large buildings. Looks like this could be your chance to do so. And it'd be a good defense against the oncoming invaders. Ye might need Shavvakamalla's help.'"

"Wow, this sounds serious." Sage said at last. They all looked at each other.

"We's gotta do somet'ing!" the small hare said. "Pik'im, Crak'n, you gos and gets weapons made fa battle. Gonff and Sage, go and get Savvie to come. An' get da Warden too! P'ugg, you c'n go an' help get everyone up an' ready!"

"Right," came a voice from behind them. They turned. Two new arrivals had come, a mousemaid holding a knotted rope and a mouse lad with a beautifully crafted blade. Both had a fierce look in their eyes, they were not mice to mess with. The mousemaid spoke up again, "If it's a battle coming, then you'll need our help. I'm Mariel, formerly known as Storm Gullwhacker. This," she said, pointing at her rope," is my Gullwhacker."

"I'm Dandin." The other mouse said.

Gonff nodded. "Leaviel must be reading 'Mariel of Redwall'."

"You keep mentioning this 'Redwall'," Plugg piped in. "What is it?"

Sage blushed. "Uhh…"

"YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW!" Everyone jumped.

"Who was that?" Dandin asked.

"The Author." Gonff replied.

Mariel and Dandin looked confused. "I'll explain later," Sage told them. "For now we just need to prepare for battle."

"Battle." Mariel said, swishing her Gullwhacker expectantly, the light of battle starting to glow in everyone's eyes. They grabbed their weapons and went off to gather an army for the upcoming onslaught.

A couple of hours later in a familiar looking pine forest at the edge of a river

"Well," Sage said, "We're here."

"But where is Savvie?" Gonff asked.

"I don't know. She usually hangs out in the trees."

"She?" Gonff looked at her questioningly. "But I thought Shavvakamalla was a _guy_."

"Not in this story." Sage glanced upwards through the foliage. "Shavvakamalla! You up there?" All of a sudden, with a rustling of branches, vine ropes caught Gonff and swept him into the trees. Sage sighed. "You don't _have_ to kidnap a creature every single time somebeast walks through here, ya know." An argument of squeaks and jibberings followed this statement until the Prince of Mousetheives plopped back down (quite shaken) with a small, female tree-rat who resembled a brown bombchu (a bomb about the size of a house cat that runs along the ground for a while until it blows up) wearing a bunny hood (exactly what you'd think it'd look like, except it makes the wearer move faster).

"Sage!" she said, with not at all a squeaky voice. "Sorry about that. Bad habit… How's life treatin' ya?"

"Actually, not so good. That's why we're here. This is Gonff, by the by."

Shavvakamalla extended a paw. "Top o' the marnin' to ye!"

Gonff shook her paw. Maybe she wasn't as bad as he had originally thought. "And the rest o' the day to you!"

"So… What's up?"

"Leaviel ate some pixy stix and a few sour starbursts, some of the creatures she doesn't like have come through to this world, we're preparing for a big battle, and we need your help."

The tree-rat winced. "Sour starbursts… I remember the last time she had those things…"

"Yeah, and the pixy stix make it even worse… So, can you help us?"

"Sure, why not? I'll get my little troupe together and we'll attack the enemy together! I will carve the word agony into every inch of their flesh with a rusty blade!"

Gonff raised an eyebrow. "You do that."

Shavvakamalla whistled up to the trees. It was answered with another whistle, and a moment later, the forest around them was full of tree-rats… who actually looked like tree-rats... except for the one who landed next to Shavvakamalla. It was a bit smaller than she was, but other than that, the only difference between the two of them was that he didn't have bunny hood ears… oh, and he was a he.

"I'm Lil' Shavvakamalla," he said, and his voice _was_ squeaky. "But you c'n call me Lil' Vaka, or just Vaka. Savvie's my sister."

Shavvakamalla whacked him with a branch. "Yeah, just don't be annoying."

"No comment." Gonff said.

"Actually," Sage put in, "By saying 'No comment', you're actually commenting."

"Eh, whatever. Can we be on our way? We've gotta get the Warden too. And who knows when that army will arrive at our camp."

Another forest

"Are we there yet?" Dandin asked for the umpteenth time.

"No." Mariel replied, starting to get a bit cross. They plodded along for a while until…

"Are we there yet?"

"How many times, Dandin?"

"What?"

"Broken record, broken record, broken record…"

"Sorry. I'm just a little impatient, that's all."

"Yes well, try NOT being impatient!"

"I can't help it!" They took a few more steps. "…Are we there YET?"

Mariel growled and swung her Gullwhacker. "Shut it!"

"Sorry!" Strange, ominous music started creeping through the trees. Something was coming… coming fast. "What's that?"

"Shh…"

…Ominous music… Chanting… The sound of paws trudging along… Lots of paws… An army of them… An eerie fog spread out across the lands, making it impossible for Mariel and Dandin to see anything or anyone around them.

"OoooooEEEEEEEEooooooooooEEEEEEEEEoooooooooEEEEEEEEooooooooooooo!" The chanting stopped.

"I PROCLAIM!" came a voice from somewhere near them. "THIS BEETH THE SPOTETH! COME FORTH, YE CREATURES! I KNOWETH THATETH YOUETH BEETH HIDINGETH INETH THE WOODSETH!"

"Umm…" Dandin spoke up. "We can't see anything."

"OH… YES, THATETH COULDETH BEETH A PROBLEMETH! ARCHERS! DISPELETH THE CLOUDETHS!"

"Archers?" Mariel asked, bemused. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! Suddenly the forest all around them became clear as day. Mariel and Dandin looked around them. They were surrounded by a huge army of… gerbils.

"Who are you?" Dandin asked them.

"WE BEETH THE MONGOL HORDES!" said the lead gerbil. "MY NAMETH BEETH GERBLIS KHAN!"

Dandin snorted. "Gerblis Khan? That sounds like a guy's name, not a lady's."

"YES. BUT INDEEDETH, I BEETH A LASSETH!" And she was… indeed, a girl. Clad in a yellow jerkin, Gerblis Khan cast a semi-frightening stance, helped by the huge battle-axe tucked in a purple sash about her waste. Her army of Mongol gerbils were decked out in the same matter.

"Why do you speak so loudly and with all your "theseeths and thoseeths" and whatnot?" Mariel questioned.

"BECAUSEETH! IT BEETH MOST AMUSINGETH!"

"Yeah well, it is startingETH to be _annoying_ETH!" Mariel said, swinging her Gullwhacker.

"YOUR POINTETH BEETH TAKENETH!" Mariel glared at her. "RIGHTETH- ahem! I mean, right. Sorry about that."

"'Tis alright," Dandin told her. "Just try not to start that up again."

"Righto." Gerblis whipped out a large book, sat down, and started reading. The rest of the gerbils did likewise.

"What are you _doing_?" Dandin looked indignant.

Gerblis looked up from her book. "Reading."

"But we're about to go off to battle!" Mariel said.

"Exactly."

Mariel and Dandin looked at each other. They were both thinking the same thing: She's crazy!

"Never trust a mongoose, that's what I always say!" They turned. A fieldmouse maid had walked right up behind them without anyone noticing. She had on a tie-dyed blue tunic, secured at the waist by a solid blue belt with a pouch.

"Pardon me for saying this," Mariel told her, "but who the bloody hell are you?"

"I…," the mousemaid smiled, "am Flavalla. Sommat told me that ye'd be needing help."

"But we don't even know who you are." Dandin pointed out.

"True… but that makes no difference. One thousand and two paws are better than one thousand. Anywhosies, I know ye don't know me, but I know Sage. And that makes everything better."

"Sure it does." Dandin said.

"Hey, Gerblis!" Flavalla said, waving to the reading gerbil.

"Hello," she said, and went back to reading.

"I bet you're confused as to why they're reading right now." Flavalla said.

"Very." Mariel told her.

"The Mongol horde of gerbils are like that. Before every battle, they read some ridiculously long book to get them all psyched up."

Dandin stared. "How does reading get you psyched up for war? That doesn't make any sense."

"The real question is: does it have to?" Mariel and Dandin stared. "Don't worry, this doesn't take too very long; they're fast readers. Besides, gerbils read and march at the same time."

"Uhh… sure," Mariel said. "Can we go now?"

"O' course! Mongols! Move out!" Gerblis and her army of Mongol gerbils immediately got up and started marching behind Mariel and Dandin. Flavalla, however, turned to leave.

"I thought you said you were going to help us!" Dandin said.

"I am. But first I need to do something. Don't worry, I'll be there when you need me most. Fare thee well!"

A swamp close to a mountain.

Sage was talking with Shavvakamalla. "And _that's_ why you don't talk to muffin trees."

Gonff poked Sage. "We're here."

"Really?" she asked him. "That was fast."

"I AM THE LAW!"

"Yup," Gonff said, "we're here."

Out of the clouds above them, a great heron flew down. "I AM THE LAW!" it said again.

Shavvakamalla rolled her eyes. "I think we've established that."

The bird looked down at them. "I AM THE—"

"SHUT UP, ALL READY!" Sage yelled at him. The heron beat its great wings and looked as if it was about to attack, but the crafty mousetheif quickly stepped in.

"Hi… What my lovely acquaintance," Sage snorted, "was trying to say to you, oh Warden, is that we need your help."

"And why should I help you?"

"Okay," Shavvakamalla started explaining, "You know Leaviel?"

"Of course! If not for her, why… I wouldn't be here!"

"She got a hold of some sour starbursts and pixy stix." The Warden winced visibly. "Yeah."

"Anyway," Sage said, "Are the Gawtrybe here?"

"You want help from _them_? You must be desperate!"

Gonff nodded. "Yes. We're trying to form an army, and we need all the help we can get."

"All right, all right! Follow me." The Warden led them to the base of the mountain that was towering above them. Almost immediately, they were surrounded by a group of savage-looking squirrels wearing tattered garments and armed with axes.

"Greetings!" Sage called out to them. They menaced their axes. Shavvakamalla's tree rats got out their own weapons, prepared to do battle.

"Wait a minute," Savvie said. She pointed to a creature, crouching behind the squirrels. "What are _you_ doing here?" The mysterious beast looked up. It was a ferret.

"Largo?" Sage blinked.

"Oh, it's you," he said.

"Why are you hanging out with these guys?" Sage asked him.

"'Cause I want to. Why are you hanging out with _those_ guys?" He pointed to Gonff, the Warden, and the tree rat army.

"Maybe because they're our friends." Shavvakamalla said. Largo and Savvie glared at each other.

"Now, now!" Sage said. She grinned. "No need to fight. Besides, when two creatures fight, it means they really like each other!" The two creatures groaned.

"Sage! You can stop doing that." Largo said.

"Your face can stop doing that!" Shavvakamalla retorted.

Largo sighed. "What d'you want?"

They explained their predicament to him.

"Okay… Why am I helping you?"

Savvie rolled her eyes. "We just told you."

"And if I don't want to help?"

"You will help, or I will deal with you," The Warden told him, "Because, I AM THE LAW!"

"And I'm sure that's an _excellent_ reason." Largo said, rolling his eyes.

One of the squirrels poked him on the shoulder. "Actually… y-you'd best do what he says!" The ferret was about to refuse anyway, but the look of fear in all of the savage squirrels' eyes told him that perhaps he should consider the Warden's offer.

"Fine, fine! I'll help," he said at last. Largo turned to Shavvakamalla. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you...But it's still on my list!" The tree rat looked at him oddly.

"Aww…" Sage said, clasping her paws together, "Isn't that cute?" (A/N let it be known that I am a Largo/Savvie shipper… and yes, they're both based on real people… and I hate shipping real people… Yes, they shall remain nameless… however, if they choose to yell about it in their reviews assuming that they're going to review, then they'll give themselves away. Hint, hint. ah, just continue reading the bloody story!)

"Uh, are we planning on leaving anytime soon?" Gonff asked.

"Maybe," Sage said. "Okay. We know that Largo is coming with us," she turned to the squirrels, "but what about you?" The Warden glared at them fiercely.

"We-we're coming!" one of them confirmed.

"Good!" Shavvakamalla said. "Then let's get going!"

"Where is Vaka?" Gonff asked.

"Oh, he got bored and left to go play Halo." Shavvakamalla told him.

Sage sighed. "Brothers!" she said, shaking her head.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… campsite

"You all everybody! You all everybody!" Piknim and Craklyn were singing as a team of moles (the original short patrol) were heaving the large white stones into place to form a wall. Flufftail was overseeing.

"Wha' song is that?" he asked the singing duo.

"'You All Everybody'," Piknim answered him.

"By driveSHAFT," Craklyn finished.

DOOOOOON! DON, DON, DON, DON, DOOON, DON, DON, DOOOOOOON! Music filled the air… music that sounded suspiciously like the music when Haldir and his elves arrived at Helms Deep. DOOOOOON! DON, DON, DON, DON, DON, DOOOOOOOOON!

"HERETH BEETH THE MONGOL HORDES OF GERBLIS KHAN!" Sure enough, when those at camp looked towards the noise, Gerblis, Mariel, and Dandin were marching towards them, the Gerbils still reading their ridiculously long books.

"Hullo!" Flufftail waved.

"GREATINGS YOUNG HARETH! HOWETH BEETH THOU?"

"I be's good!" The leader hare found Gerblis' weird manner of speech quite entertaining. Mariel, however, did not, and began swinging her Gullwhacker menacingly again.

"Sorry, I'll stop." Gerblis looked up at the great wall that was being formed. "Ah, yes! A wall!" she said obviously. "May I maketh a suggestion?" she asked Flufftail.

"Sure! I likes suggestions!"

"Perhaps you should make the wall into some sort of building. A castle, maybe—or any type of fortress that creatures could live in when the war is done," said the leader of the gerbils.

"Like an abbey?" Mariel put in.

Gerblis raised an eyebrow. "Why would you make an abbey for war?"

"Well," Dandin said, "abbey's are excellent places to live, and we could use the wall to encircle it, keeping it safe."

"But! But how d'you make an abbey?" Flufftail asked.

Dandin smiled. "Mariel?" he said, turning to his long-time companion. "Bring Michael here."

"Ah, yes." She smiled to and dashed off.

"Who's Michael?" Gerblis asked.

"Hey!" came a voice from behind them. "I'm Michael." Michael was a dark otter with many tools stuck in a tool belt around his waist. "I know a bit about carpentry. I'm also a pretty good artist, so I can draw you guys a picture of what you want this abbey to look like. Though I don't know if we'll be able to finish it in time for the big battle. You'd need a lot of good workers."

Gerblis grinned. "And that's where I come in handy. MONGOLS! See this fine otter here? We are going to help him build an abbey and finish this wall before the enemy arrives! Come! Let us make ourselves useful!"

"With them on the job, I'm sure you'll finish that abbey in no time!" Dandin remarked.

Sure enough, within only a couple hours' time, the wall was finished and the beginning abbey structures were being laid out. The white sandstone looked magnificent as the sun set behind it, giving it the appearance that it was glowing. Not long after that, Sage, Gonff, Shavvakamalla, Largo, and their fellows arrived. The savage squirrels and tree rats had formed a bond and decided to contribute to the building process by forging a great spiky metal finish to tope the ramparts. Now the wall sparkled and glowed. It was indeed a fine structure. Everybeast worked long into the night to get the abbey finished and ready for the upcoming onslaught. By midmorning the abbey was finished and the creatures moved into their new home.

"It sure is amazing how fast these walls went up!" Sage commented to Gonff, Mariel, Dandin, Shavvakamalla, Largo, and Gerblis. They were resting in a gatehouse that lay right inside the walls.

"I know! I just wish everyone could stay here," he said, frowning at Gerblis.

The gerbil looked at him. "While this is a fantastic place, it is not my home. Nor is it the home of my army. If any wish to stay, then they may, but our home is far from here, near the mountain of Salad and a Stron."

"What exactly is a stron?" Shavvakamalla asked her.

"Oh, it's a sort of scone-pastry thing."

"Uh…," Largo said, "a scone _is_ a pastry."

"Well yes, but a stron has vegetables in it."

"You coulda said that before," Mariel said.

"Mmm… food…" Sage said, drooling a little.

Gonff whacked her. "Why do you always think about food?"

"I don't always think about food!"

Shavvakamalla giggled. "Yeah, only when she's hungry!"

"And I'm hungry right now." Sage said. "When are we going to get something to eat?"

"Hobbit." Largo said. Sage smiled.

"What?" Dandin was confused.

"Never mind." Gonff said. From outside came drumbeat. "I think we have bigger things to worry about."

The friends went outside and climbed up the stair that led to the battlements. In the distance they could see a large army approaching them… a very large army. An army that would arrive in less than an hour. Gerblis, Shavvakamalla, and Largo went down to rally their troops together. Sage started singing. Hearing this, Gonff pulled out his pipe and joined her. Their harmonies blended and echoed throughout the forest around them into the cool morning air. After their pep talks, the companions regrouped on the top of the wall with their archers.

Shavvakamalla sharpened her knives on the metal spikes sticking out from the wall. "We're about to face a huge army with a huge army of our own. Death will most defiantly ensue! ARE YOU PSYCED?"

"No, not really," Sage said. She looked out. The army was almost there; she could see the first couple of creatures. At the head of the line were many creatures quite loathed by Leaviel: a few brothers and sisters of Redwall (the mean ones), and some of the actual bad creatures. The birds who killed Piknim in "Pearls of Lutra" flew overhead.

"Come," Gonff said to the hand-to-hand fighters. "Let's get ready down at the gate."

"ARCHERS AND SLING-THROWERS!" Gerblis called out. "First group load… FIRE!" The first volley of arrows cut down at the enemy below and the birds above. They returned fire at the Short Patrol above. "Drop down and reload! Second group load… FIRE! Drop down and reload! Third group load…"

The rest of the Patrol gathered down below at the gates, ready to burst through at the command of Flufftail.

"When do we get to go?" Shavvakamalla asked.

"When Flufftail tells us to," Mariel told her.

"And that is-?" Largo was also impatient to fight.

"When we run out of ammunition to hurl at them," Sage responded. They didn't have long to wait. In about an hour, Flufftail's voice was heard, calling to the troops below. Sage looked at her two long knives… She was ready.

"Get ready ta go through tha gate!" Tension grew thick as they eagerly awaited the command. "NOW! CHARGE! CHAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGE!" The Short Patrol swept out of the abbey like water gushing from a dam. While the enemy army _was_ taken by surprise, the Short Patrol did not expect the huge army that was waiting for them. Still, they pushed onwards, hacking and slashing their way through the impossible horde in their way.

Next to the wall, five burly rats, armed with pickaxes cornered Shavvakamalla. One ventured closer and she cut him down.

"Come on, you!" she challenged them. "Put up a fight!" Another two came at her, axes raised, but she dispatched of them as she had the first. "You call that fighting? You shoulda picked someone your own size to mess with—maybe they would've been an easier prey!" Twelve more came up behind to join the others. The tree rat gulped.

"Not so cocky now, are ye?" one of them said. His companions laughed. "Come an' get us, missy!"

Shavvakamalla backed against the wall, heart racing. Suddenly, a cry arose from behind the rats. Largo and a couple of his squirrels leapt on the rats, beating them down. Largo prodded Shavvakamalla. "Glad I came here after all, aren't ye?"

She glared at him. "I didn't need your help!"

"Come on, it was you verse about fifteen of those guys!"

"It was fourteen."

"Sooo much better! Ow!" Largo had been hit from behind by a creepy-looking mouse. Shavvakamalla quickly killed it and went to her friend.

"Are you all right?" she asked, concern written across her face.

"I'm fine. It's just a scratch!" Savvie looked at his wound. He had been cut deep on his shoulder, it bleed profusely. The tree rat ripped a piece of fabric from Largo's sleeve and bound it around the cut. Largo winced.

"That's much more than a mere scratch. You need to be taken back inside."

He pulled away from her. "It hasn't even been thirty minutes yet! I don't want ta leave right at the beginning!"

"Well, you're going to have to! Don't fight me!" Largo growled at her. "Look, do you want to live or not?"

"I know I want to die fighting! And if this is the battle for it, then let me go!"

"Sage was right!"

"What?"

"You boys are all alike! You're stubborn! And you won't listen to common sense!" Shavvakamalla sighed. "I don't know why I even bother. I try to help a friend-"

"You think of me as a friend?" Largo looked touched.

"Of course I think of you as a friend! What else would I think of you as?" She thought for a bit. "Wait, don't answer that. Just come on! I don't want you to die yet!"

"Fine, but only for you!" Savvie smiled and hoisted him up. Together, they made their way back to the gate.

Elsewhere, Mariel and Dandin were faring a little better. They had both acquired a few scratches, but otherwise, were quite well.

"This is fun!" Mariel said as she felled a weasel riding a fat pigeon.

Dandin stabbed at a spotted snake. "Yup."

The battle raged on. Creatures from both sides fell like grass to a lawnmower. While the Short Patrol put up a courageous fight, it was soon apparent that their forces would be defeated if they didn't get any help. Some beasts just gave up. A young mouse named Boone threw himself from the ramparts on an extra piece of sandstone to the ground below, crushing many enemies, but himself as well. It was not looking good, and a cry from Gonff only made things worse.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SAGE, NOOOO!" Sage had been fighting strong until an attack from a crow above sent her sprawling away from anything to defend herself with. The crow ripped at her flesh with its beak and talons. When Gonff saw Sage go down he rushed to her side in an instant and struck down the bird. He held Sage in his paws. "Sage," he called to her. "Sage!" She opened an eye.

"I guess… this is the end," she said simply.

"No… No…" Gonff shushed her. "Don't say that. You'll be alright, you just need to get to the abbey."

Sage smiled weakly. "You don't really think I'll make it back there, do you?"

Gonff shook his head. "Shh… You'll be alright. Just wait until we're back. We'll have a big celebration—You're going to be okay!" He tried to reassure her—to reassure himself that she really _would_ be okay, but in his heart he knew otherwise.

"Gonff…" Sage whispered. She sang an eerie quiet song that seemed to float in the air like a pale moth. The notes cut into Gonff like a knife. She couldn't die. He wouldn't let her.

"Sage. You're not going to die. I'm going to save you. I'm going to bring you back," he said, the tears coursing down his face.

She smiled at him. "Remember…" Slowly, her eyes closed. Gonff started.

"Sage?" He shook her shoulders gently. No response. "Sage?" He shook them a little harder. No response. "SAGE!" A cry escaped Gonff like that of a wounded animal (A/N I know what you're thinking. Don't think, just read). His grief was overbearing.

"KREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Gonff looked up. From the sky above, a dozen falcons were led by a great golden eagle. On closer inspection, he could see that on the back of the eagle was a mouse… A mouse wearing a tie-dyed blue tunic. Everybeast looked up. As the eagle soared lower, they could see that the mousemaid had taken a small blue box from the pouch at her waist. With simple deliberation, she pushed a button and clearly stated:

"Flavalla."

From out of nowhere came a strange jibbering song. "FLAVALLA! FLA-FLA-FLA-FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLAVA-FLA-FLA-FLAVA-FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA-VA-FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA-FLA-FLA-FLA FLAVA-FLAVA-FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLA-FLA-FLA-FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLAVA-FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA! FLA-FLA-FLA-FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLAVA-FLA-FLA-FLAVA-FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA-VA-FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA-FLA-FLA-FLA FLAVA-FLAVA-FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLA-FLA-FLA-FLAVALLA! FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA, FLAVALLA! FLAVALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

While this strange song played, Flavalla leapt down and the earth beneath the enemies' feet burst upwards. Flavalla and hundreds of dirty little creatures took advantage of their foes' shock. With amazing speed and agility, they leapt about, using powerful kung-fu attacks. The eagle and falcons took care of the birds above. Soon not one of the creatures unwelcome in Flowermoss were alive; and the walls surrounding the great abbey were stained red with blood of both friend and foe.

"The Walls of Redness…" Mariel stated from where she had been fighting with Dandin.

Flavalla crossed over to Gonff. "What happened?" she said as she looked upon Sage's broken body.

"A-a crow… It attacked her from behind…" he stammered out. Gonff burst into a fresh wave of tears. "I couldn't save her!"

"Oh, Gonff…" Flavalla was also crying. "We've got to get her to the abbey. She wouldn't want us moping around all day."

"How do you know that?" Gonff retorted angrily. Flavalla was taken aback. "Everyone says that when someone dies, they wouldn't want their friends to feel sad. Do you really think that's what they'd want? I'm sure Sage would want us to continue on with our lives… but we can still be sad! We can still _care_!"

"Gonff, I didn't mean—"

"Just—never mind," he said.

The great golden eagle, which until now had been circling around the walls, looking for runaways, landed next to Gonff and Flavalla.

"Mac Phearsome…" Flavalla said. "She was attacked from behind…"

The Scottish eagle bowed his head. "Och! The poor lass!" He turned his beak gravely towards Gonff. "Let me take 'er, laddie." Gonff reluctantly let the Wild King Mac Phearsome carefully pick Sage up and fly her to the abbey.

Creatures from all around walked slowly towards the abbey, some supporting an injured friend, some injured themselves. The sudden end to the battle left many in a daze. They weren't sure what had happened. Inside, it was not much better. Wounded animals filled every bed in the newly constructed infirmary. There were makeshift cots all around. Mariel and Dandin ran around, checking on who needed bandages and medicinal herbs. Gerblis Khan had taken a bad wound to her side in a fight with a particularly nasty hedgehog, and was in one of the cots outside. Next to her was Largo, still grumbling about being taken out of battle so early. Shavvakamalla was sitting on the corner of his bed, licking a scratch she had received on their way back to the abbey. When Mac Phearsome landed in the courtyard with Sage's body, the tree rat immediately ran to see what was the matter.

"Sage?" she looked at the bloody remains of her friend. Shavvakamalla turned upwards to face the golden bird, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"She's passed on," he said sadly.

Largo sat up in bed. "WHAT!" he yelled. He threw his sheets from him and went as quickly as his shoulder would let him. "She can't be dead!"

Savvie looked at his disbelieving face. "Largo…" He sat down next to her and wrapped his arms around her weeping form.

Gonff stumbled through the front gate, Flavalla supporting him. He walked up to Sage's body and stroked the limp face. Suddenly he remembered what Sage had told him: "Remember…" Remember what, he did not know. What had she said right before that? Not what she had said—what she had sung! Gonff took out his pipe and tried to recall the melody. Slowly he began playing the song. It sounded oddly familiar. He had heard it before this day, but the Prince of Mousethieves could not remember when or where. As the song progressed, the leaf around Sage's neck started glowing with a green light. Soon it filled the whole abbey and darker green light shone down from the now-green sky and clouds above. When the light had faded, Gonff could see Sage blink.

"Sage?" he said, tentatively.

"Gonff…" she said, smiling, "you remembered."

Shavvakamalla stopped crying and looked at her friend. "But-but you were just- you were just…"

"Dead, I know. I see you've forgotten where we are." The leader of the tree rats looked confused. "We're in Flowermoss! You know, the place where all the creatures that Leaviel likes who died… or didn't die, go to! All that was needed was the song that Gonff played. Since I was already in Flowermoss, I wouldn't just reappear."

"What about the other creatures who died?" Largo asked. "Will they come back too?"

"If Leaviel wants them to. I think she may have gotten tired of so many people to keep track of. But don't worry," she said, seeing the worried look on some of their faces, "they won't be dead, dead. They just won't be _here_."

Plugg Firetail walked up to where they were crowded around. "What're you lot doin' over here?" He looked at all of them incredulously. "There's food ta be scoffed!"

"What food?" Savvie asked.

"The food in that big hall over there!"

Sure enough, when everybeast clambered over to the great hall, there were tables and table lined with every food you can imagine (A/N unless you have a sick imagination, then just food you'd eat if you were from Redwall and you had waaaaay too much cooking time on your paws). There were flans, salades, cheeses, pot-pies, casseroles, stoups, pasties, strons, cakes, muffins (but not from the muffin tree!), and cookies of every flavor (A/N again, for those of you with sick minds… NORMAL flavors)! There was dandelion cordial, strawberry fiz, February ale, grape seed juice, and a large assortment of teas including blackberry sage, vanilla fig, raspberry, mint, Scottish breakfast (provided by the Wild King Mac Phearsome), and many, many, many, many, many, many, many, waaaaaaay too many more! In short, everyone stuffed themselves silly, and in the process, all wounds were healed. (A/N I don't exactly know how that works, but stay with me people!)

"Does this kind o' thing happen often 'ere?" Plugg asked to no one in perticular.

Flufftail the Destroyer, the cute little dibbun hare warlord, looked up at Plugg and said: "Welcome to the Short Patrol!"

YAY! IT IS WRITTEN! FINALLY! Wow, this fic was kinda bipolar. I mean, it started out all funny-like, then it got really sad… then back to the random insaneness! And for all those people who've read my former fics and comment that I never write anything very long… this was 41 bloody pages! That's a LOT of pages for me. I average about 8 to 12 pages normally. I know this fic has been in the works for a while now (a LONG while), but 'tis finally up! WOOTNESS!

REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!


	2. The Wall of Orangeness

**Disclaimer**: I don't usually do these, but I felt like it for this chapter. I don't own the rights to Redwall. I do, however, own a copy of this wondrous book and have read it a couple of times. I also do not own Fluffums the Stuffed Lobster. Wait a minute… I _do_ own Fluffums… Okay, Bunny Hooded Bombchu came up with the idea for Fluffums in a Redwall fic of hers, I brought him to life (you know those teeny-beanies they had at McFattys… I mean McDonalds? I took the lobster and made him a cloak with an "F" on it). Also, Logan… I'm just poking fun, I don't mean any harm… or do I?

YAY! This chapter is dedicated to my good friends Emily (a.k.a. Bunny Hooded Bombchu a.k.a. B.H.B. a.k.a. Savvie a.k.a. Shavvakamalla a.k.a. … never mind) for the wonderfully crazy time we had singing about oranges, door hinges, and laughing gnomes, and Sammi (a.k.a. Khyber, the dancing disco badger) for lending me her Mama Mia soundtrack for a couple of my parodies.

**The Short Patrol, Chapter 2: The Wall of Orangeness** It was winter in summer and spring was in bloom. The turnips were frolicking and the— 

Sage woke up. She had been having the weirdest dream. See, there was this yellow cat that kept staring at her, and every time she tried to talk to it, it looked away towards the neon-orange trees. Then strange music would play, while a blurry black-and-white figure danced around said trees. She'd been having these dreams for a while, and was beginning to think that they might actually mean something.

"Bloody hell," she said as she got out of bed. The young fieldmouse quickly got dressed and raced down the corridor to the Great Hall, nearly knocking over her good friend, Savvie.

"Hey! Careful, Sage! You're gonna kill someone one of these days!"

"Quite possibly," she responded, dashing off again. When she arrived, she grabbed some hot chocolate chip scones and glass of dandelion juice, sat next to Flavalla, and immediately began stuffing her face. "Good morning," said the other mouse.

"Mmrumph mmroomphy," was Sage's reply.

Flavalla sighed. "I'm guessing that means 'good morning'. I'm glad you like my scones."

Sage swallowed her food. "You made these?" Her friend nodded. "Oh, they're really good. Uhh… Flavalla? I needed to talk to you."

"Okay…" she said, wondering what could possibly be so important that it interrupted Sage's ravaging of her breakfast.

"You know how you're pretty good at interpreting dreams? Well, I've been having these odd dreams, lately."

"And…?"

"Well, they're weird."

Flavalla rolled her eyes. "Yes, that's what 'odd' usually means. What are these dreams about?"

"I keep trying to talk to this yellow cat that's looking at me, but whenever I do, it turns away and stares at the trees." Sage told her. "Oh, and the trees are neon-orange." Flavalla raised an eyebrow. "Then there's this blurry thing dancing to the strangest music I've ever heard."

"Is that all?"

"Yeah, but I wanna know what it means!" Sage said eagerly. "You can tell me, right?"

"Uhh… maybe. I think I may know why the trees are orange." Sage's eyes widened. "Ever since that big, bloody battle, the walls have been stained red. But recently, with all this rain we've been having, the red has faded. Not only that, but the iron spikes sticking out from the walls are rusting, and that rust is dripping down the walls, giving it a faintly orange look."

"Wait a minute," Sage interrupted. "How does rust drip?"

Flavalla thought for a moment. "I don't know, but it's dripping all right. Maybe it's the rain. Anyway, as for why the trees are _neon_-orange—I have no idea what so ever. Maybe you had too much sugar before bed."

"Yeah, but every night?"

"Good point."

"What about the other stuff? Ya know, with the music and the cat and the blurry thing?"

"I think the yellow cat is trying to tell you something."

Sage's eyes' brightened. "Ooo! What? What? What?"

"Because the walls of our home our now orange instead of red and the cat is looking to the orange trees, maybe the cat is trying to tell you something about our home."

"Okaaaay…" Sage paused and stared off into space. "What does 'orange' rhyme with?" she asked after a minute.

Flavalla looked at her oddly. "Nothing…" she said. "You know, you can be really random sometimes."

"Yup!" Sage said with a quirky grin and a glint in her eyes. "That's me!"

"Dying must have messed up her brain," came Shavvakammalla's voice from behind them. She sat down next to Sage with some food of her own.

"I think her brain was always messed up," Savvie's companion, Largo said, taking his place on the other side of the table.

Sage smiled at her friends. "I didn't _die_. I was just temporarily incapacitated."

"Tell that to Gonff," Savvie responded. "It was almost Mary-Sue-esc how he was acting."

Sage blushed. Somewhere a lone starling thought it heard the trees say, "Oops."

"What were you talking about earlier?" Savvie asked.

"Sage was just telling me about a strange dream she had," Flavalla said.

"Yeah, it was weird. There was a yellow cat, a blurry black-and-white dancing thing, some strange music, and neon-orange trees," Sage said.

"Neon-orange?" Largo raised an eyebrow.

"Yup!" Sage said. "Hey, do any of you know a word that rhymes with 'orange'?"

"Sage, nothing rhymes with orange!" Flavalla said, exasperatedly.

"Yeah…" Savvie said. "Door-hinge rhymes with orange."

"Not really—" Largo started.

"Hey! Yeah it does!" Sage grinned. And she began to sing: "Oraaaaaaaaaaaange! It rhymes with door hiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge! But not reaaaaallllllyyyy!"

The others sighed. Largo winced. "Did you want me to tell you about the blurry thing?" Flavalla asked.

"Oh yeaaaahhh… Sure!"

Flavalla looked at her oddly. "Are you hyper?"

"I thought chocolate was supposed to calm you down." Savvie said.

"Not mixed with sugar! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Now, what about the dancing blurry thing?"

"But chocolate is made with— Oh, never mind. Blurriness can symbolize uncertainty and mystery. But the fact that it's dancing could mean that something new is going to happen or a newcomer may appear."

Everyone pondered this for a bit. Finally, Largo said, "New people? Why do we need new people?"

"You just don't want any guys to come who could be competition for you," Sage said.

"Competition for what?" Savvie asked.

"Your heart!" Sage said with a glint in her wide, innocent looking eyes, clasping her paws together.

"Shut up!" Largo said, angrily.

Sage just grinned. "Oh, I do love torturing people!"

"Yeah, you're creepy like that," Savvie commented.

All of a sudden, a shout rent the air: "The badgers are coming! The badgers are coming!"

"Badgers?" Flavalla looked up. Fluffums the Stuffed Lobster was making an announcement.

"Okay, so there's only one badger… but there's also a hare!"

"Yes, badgers do have hair," Sage said wisely.

Savvie rolled her eyes. "Not hair like fur, hare like rabbit!"

"Oh! Those 'bolly old chaps?'" she said.

"Umm… yeah," Savvie said.

"Why don't we welcome them?" Flavalla suggested.

"Yeah, then Sage can scare the hare off so we won't run out of food!" Largo said.

"Like you eat that much food anyway!" Savvie said.

"Look who's talking!" he retorted.

"Aww, they're arguing like a married couple. It's looooove!" Sage said.

"Would you stop, already?" Largo groaned.

Flavalla rolled her eyes. "Are we going to greet them or not?"

"Oh, right," Sage said, coming back to the present.

So the merry gang trotted out to the wall tops and, sure enough, a badger and a hare were walking towards them, carrying bags with them filled with what seemed to be strange-looking musical instruments. The Badger was wearing orange robes and was eating an orange. The hare was dressed in a bright-blue tunic with orange trousers.

"See!" Sage said excitedly, "It's just like in my dream!"

When the travelers were within hailing distance, Flavalla called out to them. "Hello there, wayfarers!" They looked up. "Welcome to Flowermoss woods and the… erm—"

"And the Wall of Redness!" Sage finished. "Well, more like the Wall of Strange Orange Streaky Redness… but that's okay!"

The Badger smiled. "I am Khyber, and this," she said, pointing to her companion, "is Galahad, the Irish hare!"

"Top o' th' marnin' to ye, eh wot wot?" He said, with a gallant bow, nearly falling over.

Flavalla looked at Sage and sighed. She was drooling. 'Anyone with an accent…' she thought to herself. "Open the gate!" she called down to Logan, the poor, miserable doormouse whose job it was to open the gate… It was a boring life, but one he took pride in… for some strange unknown reason.

"Mrmmfff…" he said.

Savvie sighed. "Open the frickin' gate, Logan!"

"OKAY! 8D" he said way too overly exited for someone just opening a gate. (8D is what his face looked like when he said that) For some other strange, unknown reason, Logan really liked Savvie. I mean REALLY liked her. It made the mousepad— I mean Largo, grouchy. Let's face it, Logan was creepy. And now, since he's not really important to the story at all… I'm going to ignore him from now on. Poor Logan…

Galahad and Khyber walked into the Wall of Redness with awed expressions on their faces. How could such a magnificent wall hold such a crappy-looking building inside? It was true, because the moles and Gerblis Khan's army were in such a hurry to build a structure to stem the tide of a ferocious army, they hadn't done the greatest job on the inside bit. Truth be told, the dibbuns' forts looked much better.

And speaking of the dibbuns, Flufftail the Destroyer and some of his cronies were approaching Khyber and Galahad with interest. They had never seen a badger before, and besides Fluff, they'd never seen a hare, especially one so oddly dressed.

"Och! Wee beasties!" Galahad said. "Ah luove th' likkle ones, eh wot!" The dibbuns crowded around the newcomers, their eyes wide.

"I've neva seen anotha hare a'fore!" Flufftail said.

"Aye, and soon enough ye'll have see enough of this one to last ye a lifetime!" Khyber said, knowing what was coming.

As Sage and company came downstairs to them, he began to sing. (A/N to the tune of "Patriot Day"… that Irish song…)

"Come ooll ye young dibbuns, I've a story ta sing! Far the love o' one's puddens is a wonderous thing! 

Ooll the bolly old chaps, wot! How spiffin' are they?

An' nuow we'll eat puddins ooll night and ooll dey!

The dibbuns clapped and ran off with Galahad to the kitchens to eat the pudding as they said they would. Khyber stayed behind to talk to the more sane people… or so she thought.

"He always does that," she said, shaking her head.

"I like songs!" Sage said. "I wish we'd sing more of them…" Oh, if you only knew…

"Yeah, Sage'll randomly burst into song sometimes," Savvie said, straining to look up at the giant badger. Actually, Khyber was short for her kind, only about two heads taller than anyone else there… but Savvie was short, so she made up for it.

"Yeah, like this morning," Largo said with a dull look.

Khyber looked around and twitched. "Okay…" she said. "I know this is sudden and you don't really know us yet but—"

"I'm available!" came Logan's voice from the gate. They looked at him.

"We weren't talking to you," Largo said, irritably.

"Anyway… As I was saying… Galahad and I are going to paint this town orange!"

"Orange?" Flavalla said, confused. "I thought the expression was, 'Paint the town red'."

"There's an expression?" Khyber said, bewildered.

"Why do you want to 'paint the town orange'?" Savvie asked.

"Because whenever Gal and I come to a new place that is music deprived and slightly orange… we have to have it…"

"Have what?" Sage asked tentatively.

"An Orange Disco Dance Party!" As if from nowhere, orange streamers came down and the walls began to turn orange. Khyber's orange floated up to the ceiling and began to spin and sparkle. It was kind of like they had stepped into one of those random anime shows where things like this happen with no regard as to how long it would really take to set all that up. (A/N Maybe listening to J-rock while writing odd stories isn't that great of an idea…)

"Odd…" Sage commented.

"Yup." Savvie said.

All of a sudden, Galahad had a microphone and was strumming on of the odd instruments they had brought with them. Khyber was on the newly made orange dance floor. (A/N This is to the tune of "Dancing Queen" from "Mama Mia!" Told ya I was gonna use some of those songs!)

Ooh Ooh

She can dance

She can jive

Having the time of her life! Ooh ooh

See those moves, watch this scene

That badger's a dancing fiend!

In the day when we're hanging round

Eatin' fresh fruit that's dropped to the ground

Khyber's singing some music

Readying for her dance

Watching the dibbuns prance

Anybody can come and try

Young or old, we see them fly

With a bit of strange music

Everything is set

We're in the mood to dance

But when we get the chance

We can be dancing fiends

Big or small, maybe three feet tall

Dancing fiends

Feel the beat from what Kyber sings

Oh yeah

We can dance, we can jive

Having the time of our lives, ooh ooh

See us dance, watch our scene

We are the dancing fiends!

Kyber dances like a saint

Sage is twirling?

I could faint!

Looking round at the others

They're all doing well

Everyone wants to dance

Well, they've got their chance

We are all dancing fiends

Thin and fat, everywhere between

Dancing fiends

Hear the beat of those who sing

Oh yeah

We can dance, we can jive

Having the time of our lives, ooh ooh

See us dance, watch our scene

We are the dancing fiends!

We are the dancing fiends!

See us dance, watch our scene

We are the dancing fiends!

We are the dancing fiends!

True to the song, everyone in the Wall of Redness… the Wall of Orangness was dancing like madbeasts. Even Sage, who was horrible at dancing and tended to avoid it whenever possible, was out there, twirling like a top and chasing Lil' Vaka around. Fluffums was break-dancing. The dibbuns were everywhere, wagging their little tails and shaking their groove things. Mariel, who had previously not been mentioned in this story, was doing an interesting little jig with Dandin involving a lot of rope twirling. Savvie had even managed to get Largo onto the dance floor, though he was just standing there, with a frightened look on his face, wondering why he had ever come here. Savvie was dancing and whistling. All you could see of Khyber was a black and white blur. Next to her, Flavalla danced the Frodo dance. In a corner, Logan was eating dirt.

Soon everyone but the badger and the hare collapsed on the ground, too worn out to move. However, the dibbuns, being sprightly young things always full of energy. And the cooks… 'cause they were busy cooking. They liked to do that rather than dance like mad furry things. Because, see, they were already mad furry things. They just took it out on the food. That's why it was so…. Interesting… Yeah… that's it. Anywhosies, while the cooks set everything up for a "YAY, there are new people" feast, the dibbuns went off in a corner to collaborate about something… collaborative. Slowly, everyone else got to their paws and migrated towards the tables. All except a certain mischievous young hobbit—I mean, mouse lass.

While spinning in circles, Sage had come up with a way to get two of her companions together… literally. With some nudging of seating arrangements, a few words to a certain hare-chap, some gloves, and some super-glue… they wouldn't be able to separate from each other. (A/N Hey! I should try this in real life! But if I put it in this fanfic and they both read it… oh well)

She turned to Savvie, "Hey, I'm gonna get some stuff for dinner, alright?"

"Okay…" Savvie responded, not sure why she told her this.

Sage quickly grabbed a bottle of super-glue, tore off the label and read, "Dries in 5 minutes or less!", smiled, grabbed a pair of pale-green non-stick gloves, and headed towards Galahad, the Irish Hare.

"Hi, mister!" she said.

"Oh, hello young lass!" the exuberant hare said.

"Umm… I thought I should tell you… At the… erm… this place, when we have feasts for new arrivals, it's customary for the guest or guests to say the evening prayer. You know, everyone holds paws and you'll say a blessing and all…" Sage looked hopeful.

"Well, nouw! Can't break tradition, can we? I'd be glad ta give tha blessin'!" he said, giving her a grand smile.

Sage smiled back. 'So far, so good,' she thought. Quickly, she slipped on the green gloves and went over to where Savvie was just sitting down.

"Your paws look mighty dirty there, Savvie!" she said with a reproving look. "Oh! But I just remembered, I have this stuff I made out of plants that's really good for sanitizing hands!" With that, Sage brought out the super-glue. "This stuff should do the trick!"

Savvie took the bottle from her. "Thank you…" she said, looking at Sage oddly. "Did you use some?"

"Yup! The gloves are just 'cause I felt like it!"

"Riiiiight…" As Savvie poured some of the glue on her paws, Sage got up and grabbed Largo, making sure he sat on the other side of Savvie.

"Just do it! Would you rather sit next to Logan?" she said to his protests. Sure enough, the only other open spot was next to the crazy mouse, who sat there, at the end of the table, chewing on his plate.

"Whatever," Largo said.

"This is kinda sticky, Sage," Savvie said, rubbing her paws together.

"Yeah, it is at first," Sage said, trying not to look suspicious.

"Alright, hold paws everybeast!" Galahad called from the head of the table. "'Tis time far th' evenin' prayer!" Savvie grabbed Largo's and Sage's paws as Sage tried hard no to smile.

"Oh, great loard o' veggie's an' fruit,

O' tree's an' flow'rs an' sky ta boot,

We give thee thanks far all we own,

Far orchards an' crops that we have sown!

Thankee' kindly far all thou hast done,

We give our thanks far the years ta come!

Now dig in, everybeast!" he said to a great load of applause from everyone except Largo and Savvie. They were too busy trying to separate their paws. The super-glue had done it's job.

"Aww… look," Sage said, grinning broadly, "they're holding paws!"

"SAGE! THAT WAS GLUE, WASN'T IT!" Savvie screamed at her.

"Maybe…" Sage said, innocently.

"How the heck am I supposed to eat?" Largo said. "I'm right-pawed, not left-pawed!"

"Savvie's paw is free… she could feed you!"

"How 'bout NO!" he said.

"Why didn't my paw stick you yours, Sage?" Savvie asked.

Sage wiggled her glove-covered paws. "Anti-stick gloves."

From across the table, Flavalla snorted. "She got you good."

"This isn't funny!" Largo said.

"Whatever, I'm hungry," Savvie said, and with that, began eating, her cheeks red.

"What am I supposed to do?" Largo said.

"Eat with your left paw," Flavalla told him. "It can't be that hard. Besides, the glue'll eventually wear off."

"It better!"

After the lovely feast of leak and mushroom pasty, walnut encrusted flan, fresh summer salad, vegetable soup, macaroni and cheese, pie, lemons, pineapples, strons, mint scones, raspberry cordial, hot pie tea, and orange sherbet for desert, the dibbuns got up in front of Khyber and Galahad.

"We have a song ta sing fa you!" Flufftail said.

"Actually," said a little shrewbabe, "it's more like a rap." (A/N I said Redwall 'cause it just worked.)

"It's not tha blue or tha green wall

It's not tha short or tha tall wall

It's Da REDWAAAAAAALL!

Redwall is da place where we laugh and play

Redwall is da place where we eat all day!

The food is yummy and tha games are fun

But if ya eat too much, you'll weigh a ton!

Swim in tha lake and chase all tha fish

But watch for big ones, or you'll be a tasty dish!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Redwall!

Ya know ya love it!"

During the dibbun rap, all the young ones performed amazing break-dancing skills. Yes, they _were_ talented, weren't they? Indeed! Most of the elders sat there with their mouths open, not sure what the heck that was all about.

Galahad, however, nearly clapped his paws off. "Oh, that was terrific! Och, aye! It certainly was!"

Khyber giggled. "They sure have taken a liking to each other!" she whispered to Flavalla.

Flavalla smiled. "Yup."

"Here, why don't we sing you another song?" Khyber stood up. "I know you'll like this one!"

"O' course! The badger song!" Galahad said, excitedly. He grabbed another odd-looking instrument and began to sing and play. (To the tune of "Money Money Money", another "Mama Mia" song… and yes, it says "Redwall". Oh well)

"I sleep all night, I work all day

To keep things goin' I have ta say:

"Hey old chaps!"

And still there never seems to be

A bit of fun just for me!

That's too bad!

In my dreams I've seen this thing

It seems ta jump about and sing

It says I wouldn't have ta work

Or hang around that silly jerk-

Badger badger badger

Dancing faster

In a Redwall world

Badger badger badger

Scaring strangers

In a Redwall world

Ahaaaaaa! Ohoooooo!

All those moves she can do!

It's just a wee bit scary

In this Redwall world

In this Redwall world

A dance like that is hard to do

When you're black and white and furry too!

It's crazy!

And if she stumbles just a bit

Many'd fall; we'd all get hit!

It'd be hazy!

But she's so good, she never fails

She'll teach us all to jump and wail

We'll all learn how to dance so great

Everyone will groove, the walls will shake!

Badger badger badger

Dancing faster

In a Redwall world

Badger badger badger

Scaring strangers

In a Redwall world

Ahaaaaaa! Ohoooooo!

All the moves she can do!

It's just a wee bit scary

In a Redwall world

Badger badger badger

Dancing faster

In a Redwall world

Badger badger badger

Scaring strangers

In a Redwall world

Ahaaaaaa! Ohoooooo!

All the moves we can do!

It's just a wee bit scary

In a Redwall world

In a Redwall world!"

Yet again, everyone was dancing. Even the cooks got into it this time… and Logan as well. He was throwing dirt at creatures… including himself. Well, he _was_… until Largo locked him in a random closet. But Logan didn't mind. In random closets there are usually spiders… and spiders taste good. Savvie's attempts at getting Largo to dance were more effective now that their paws were glued together. Stuffed with food and worn out from dancing, the short patrol decided it was time to go to bed.

"Sage!" Savvie called. "How the heck are we supposed to get any sleep with our paws glued together?" she said, gesturing at their locked paws.

Sage grinned a _very_ mischievous grin.

"No," Largo said flatly. "Don't even think it, Sage."

Vaka laughed. "I suppose you two're old enough now!" His older sister whacked him. "Hey! That hurt!" he said, rubbing his head.

"Not funny," Savvie said. "Sage, please! I'm begging you. Just find a way to separate our paws!"

Sage pouted. "I wouldn't think you'd want to." They glared at her. "Okay! Okay! Seriously, I have no idea how to do that!"

"Terrific," Largo said.

Mariel, Dandin, and Gonff walked up to them. "I could whack them apart, if you'd like," she said, twirling her rope.

"Tha-that's okay!" Savvie said. "It's not _that_ bad!"

"Here," Gonff sighed "Let me." He grabbed their joined paws in his and said, "I now pronounce you, Husband and Mousewife!"

"HEY!" they both yelled, yanking their paws away from him, which coincidentally ripped them apart.

"Told ya I'd fix it!" Gonff said, grinning. "You may kiss the bride," he added to Largo.

"Eww! No!" Largo said, rubbing his paw.

"That hurt!" Savvie said.

"Yes, love can be that way, sometimes," Dandin said. "I should know," he said, looking at Mariel, who was still twirling her rope.

"Well, you love-birds! It's time for bed!" Sage said, yawning.

"Meh," was Savvie's reply.

See, this chapter wasn't as long as the last one. I kinda didn't expect it to be. YAY FOR BOLERO! As Emmi-kun says… It's a way of life! Doncha just love oranges?

REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!


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